Day 1:
I was on my lunch when I got the call. I had my heart ready for a infant. I tiny fragile soul that I could hold and love, and play dress up with. Watch them smile and walk. That was not the call. The call was for a sibling set, boy and girl. Neither of which were infants. The voice on the other end of the line said, "now I know this isn't what you were looking for, but we feel like you guys would be a great fit. Plus you'll want to build your resume up." "My resume", I thought. I began to feel so excited. I ran back to another cubicle to sit with a co-worker who knew a lot about the foster care process. I wanted her to listen in and see what she thought. I told the worker on the phone that I need to call my husband and see what he thought. My husband works nights so I knew that he would be sleeping. Our call went something like this.
Me: Hi, I need to talk to you are you awake?
Him: Yes.
Me: Okay, it's really important, I need to make sure that you are awake, can you sit up in the bed.
Him: Babe I'm awake.
Me: Okay, so we got our first call.
Him. Sweet.
Me: It's a sibling set.
My husband instantly melted into a big pile of mush. All of life's fears and worries rushed to his brain. He felt his world spinning and was so worried that we weren't going to be able to provide for these kids. I reassured along the way. Usually I am the big ball of mush, but roles were reversed. I told him this would be like me telling him that my water just broke. He chuckled, we chatted some more and then we agreed to take them in.
I left work right away, went to see the case manager to sign some paperwork. Ran around town buying extra things that we did not have. Our parents stopped in to help us get everything prepared. Then we played the waiting game. It was a four our drive from their place to ours and 8:30pm was supposed to be their arrival time. Well it came and went. 9:30pm past, finally 10:45pm a car pulls into the driveway. This was it, this was the moment we had been prepping for. I ran down the stairs, opened my front door. Next thing I heard was a lady in the car say in a not so pleasant tone, "well aren't you going to help bring the stuff in." I went back inside put on some shoes and helped unload the car. The kids were so happy to be here. Our youngest had a picture in his hand and handed it to me as he ran up the stairs. "This is for you", he said. "I drew a picture of what I thought our new home would look like."
After we got the kids kind of settled we tried to ask questions about the kids. The same lady said, "I know nothing about them, we were just told to bring them here and we need to get back on the road."
Hearing this made me so upset. How could someone not know anything about these two kids. Our case manager came over and talked a little more. Then we got the kids settled into bed. We survived night one.
Weekend:
It was the weekend and we took the kids shopping for things that they needed. Then the floodgates opened. Family, friends and coworkers all stopping in to shower them with gifts. These kids became instantly spoiled. They went to church with us on Sunday and then we just spent time with them the rest of the day. My friend came over with her sons and we had a playdate. My phone kept blowing up with message after message asking if we needed anything. Our village was strong.
Day 4:
This was it! I was about to see what it was like to be a stay at home mom for a week! I was so excited. I grew up with a mom who stayed at home mom and I had always dreamed of being one. I found myself splitting my time and making phone calls for doctors visits. I found myself getting frustrated and upset. It felt like an emotional roller coaster ride.
At this point the kids asked to call us Mommy and Daddy. I always thought I would be so excited to hear those words. Instead they cut like a knife. The guilt set in. I am not their parents. I am not their mom. If only their mom knew that their was another person being called mom... how would she feel? Hurt? Angry?
Day 5:
Same as day 4.
Day 6 and 7:
Same as before. My emotions were running high and I was worn out. I had the worst breakdown of my life. I begged my husband to not go to work. He called off. Then my husband broke down. We began to doubt ourselves. "Maybe this isn't for us", "Maybe we aren't meant to be parents"... these thoughts just kept racing in our heads. I started to fall asleep and my husband decided to go to work to clear his mind.
Day 8:
One week! We made it one week. Yet we still felt defeated. We called our case manager and said, "we can't do this, we are in over our heads." He kept telling us that we were doing a great job, but it never felt that way. We begged for a new placement for them. We did not want respite care. We wanted to go back to the way things were before. We were good at being us, just us.
Daycare:
They started school this day and they loved it! I was sick as a dog so instead of going back to work I spent the day in bed. My emotions still running high. We told the case manager again that we felt like we couldn't do this. It was to hard. We were seeing signs in our one child that we didn't think we could handle. The case manager talked about splitting them up. Honestly, we wanted to because they were very toxic for each other. We said okay. We felt a giant weight rise off of us.
Daycare day 2:
I finally made back to work and for the first time in my life I wanted to go back. This was when I had learned that being a stay at home mom was not for me. I needed to work. I needed time away. I loved the kids and there was nothing wrong with working and being Mommy. Our case manager said he had found a placement for one child and if the court said okay then he would be moving her that evening. My heart sank. I was failing this kid. I was adding to the foster care shuffle. I can't do this. My husband and I talked and we decided to keep them together.
4th of July:
Oh no... I am home with them all day! First thoughts to run through my head. My kids were so excited to spend the day with mommy. We did a craft, played board games, watched a movie and baked brownies. It was the best day we have had together. At the end of the day I went to bed with a smile on my face. I thought to myself, "I CAN do this, I can be their mommy."
Routine:
For my youngest routine is key so going back to daycare made him happy. I signed them in, they wrapped their arms around me and gave me a hug. This was the first morning that I had them dressed and fed and out the door by 7:15am. I called my husband and said, "I need to celebrate this small victory, I did it all on my own."
What You Need To Know:
We are only on day 14 but we have learned so much already. Your patience will be tested. Your marriage will be tested and your faith will be tested. Be open and honest. Express your feelings with your partner and your case manager. Your feelings are real. It's okay to be sad, hurt, angry, frustrated and happy. It's okay to feel like you want to throw in the towel. I have learned that every bio parent has felt like they want to throw in the towel at some point. Remember that if you do not get an infant that you are meeting your kids where they are. For us we have up to 9 years of learned behavior. That's tough. That's years of things learned that you would have done differently if it was your bio kid. Be patient with them and with yourself. Everyone is learning to adjust. Everyone is learning limits. LOVE we had to teach ourselves to not guard our hearts. Am I afraid that my heart will be break when/if they are moved again? Yes, but it's not fair to the children to not love them only 80%. I love my kids and I would do anything for them. They make me laugh and cry. They make me happy and sad. But most importantly however long they are in my home it will feel full.
Know your partner and work to be on the same page. That it one thing that my husband and I are good at. We are typically on the same page.
If you believe in God, pray. Pray about everything. So many people told us that they were praying for us. I would say, "thank you, could you please pray for patience." Your village is there to support you, let them.
To be continued.
